The Zombie Apocalypse Or Not?
by HonestyIsMyPolicy
Summary: This is a spoof of a zombie apocalypse from the point of view of a high schooler. I suck at summaries, so please, don't judge. I may or may not have guest appearances of some High School of the Dead characters, but, so far, I've stuck with one idiot girl with the attention span of a squirrel with ADD. Comments are welcome.
1. Chapter 1

**I sort of suck at serious, romantic stories, so I wrote a spoof of a zombie apocalypse. If you hate it, please comment and tell me why.**

The end of the world occurred in math class.

I guess some intoxicated fairy godmother heard some idiots wish for something, anything- possibly even the zombie apocalypse- to get him out of answering a simple problem.

I was mindlessly chewing on bubblegum and doodling in the margins of my notebook as our pre-prehistoric Algebra teacher explained something with as much enthusiasm as a five-year-old on their way to the dentist.

The jocks were flexing their biceps at the ever-giggling cheerleaders; the stoners were totally entranced by something in Mr. Peplum's toupee; the smart, average students were dutifully scribbling notes; the outcasts seemed to be offering a sacrifice to Satan in the corner, the sacrifice being a puny nerd.

In other words, it was a totally normal Wednesday.

"Ohmigod! There are, like, you know, zombies!" One of the cheerleaders, who was quite obviously accessing Facebook via her new iPhone 5, screeched. "Ohmigod! That's insane, Bethany! Who posted that?" The head cheerleader, who I was still shocked was able to weasel her way into Honors Algebra II, shouted. Mr. Peplum continued to scribble numbers on the board; obviously hoping the girls would finish their insane tantrums.

"THERE ARE ZOMBIES!" some random kid who'd just run into the room yelled.

Then came mass hysteria.

You know, I still have no idea why everyone was so spooked by a Facebook post and a guy I don't think even went to our school proclaiming the zombie apocalypse, but they all trampled each other on the way out the door.

"Bow before the Lord, our God, for He will bring down His ever-merciful fist onto the unfaithful!" a Holy Roller shrieked before beginning to pray very vehemently about not dying and how sorry she was for all of her sins she committed from the age of five and up.

As much as I'd have liked to have stayed and watched her little religious epiphany, I decided to just go with the flow, because I'm pretty sure the apocalypse provides a day off school.

But, obviously, the hallways were full of the hardcore Day of the Dead fans in their all out zombie costumes. Oh, wait. Zombies. Didn't some weirdo just say we were having the apocalypse at the hands of those undead brain-eating fiends?

Nope. Drawing a blank.

I whipped out my gigantic phone (it's a whole ¼ of an inch thick and 3 inches long!) and pulled up Facebook as any teenager facing hordes of cannibals would.

_We all goin' die!_

_Bow before Jesus, sinners, for thou hast brought about mass anarchy!_

_Zombies smell bad._

_Everyone is utterly idiotic in how they believe every nutcase that runs into—oh my Devil, it's a Zombie! George Romero did not accurately depict their stench, btw!_

Hmm… Zombies… hadn't someone just said something about that…?

Nah; doesn't ring any bells.

I noticed some disturbingly bite-like symbols of affection being exchanged between people in the hallway; blood and gore littered the floors.

I stepped over the "corpses" of overly dramatic classmates.

Gosh; it was getting a bit annoying to dodge the perverts with blood dripping down their chins who were looking for one of the bite-kisses from me.

Luckily, I was wearing my super-sharp stiletto heels that day, so I stabbed the heel into their skulls like any sane person would.

"Is this, like, a spirit week theme or something?" I asked the girl who was holding in her intestines with one arm and trying to run away from some zombie-lookalike.

"Maybe they've gone from Twi-fans to Die-fans?" I continued through the hallway, stepping on a nerd dragging himself across the floor with half of his body was missing.

I finally reached the front doors, pondering the whole zombie fad with halfhearted interest.

Oh, wait, that creep from math class had said something about zombies…

Then, the scene before me made sense.

"IT'S A ROMERO FESTIVAL EXTRAVAGANZA!" I realized aloud. I mean, who wouldn't pay homage to one of the most talented horror movie directors of our age?

I sashayed to my pink bicycle, slung my Gucci bag into the hand basket, and cheerfully rung my bell as I rode home, whistling and waving at the weirdoes drenched with blood and munching on organs.

**I hope you love how utterly stupid the main character is already. I'd like to have one or two OCs, so please comment and just say what name you want and how old you want to be. You can describe yourself, too, but I usually take, um, "creative freedom" with my characters, so... yeah.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much for the OCs! I tried to make her seem a bit less stupid this chapter, but it doesn't seem as good. I hope you like it! Comments are welcome!**

"No. This is the zombie apocalypse." Sayaka punctuated every syllable, speaking slowly and acting like I was an uneducated preschooler. "No. This is the 'zombie apocalypse'." I replied, making air quotes. "No, you imbecile, this is the freaking zombie apocalypse! Stop with the damn air quotes!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration.

Sayaka and I had been arguing over the Romero festival since our unfortunate meeting three hours earlier. I say "unfortunate" because Sayaka attempted to murder me and she'd spent three hours trying to explain why that misunderstanding was _my_ fault.

When I'd arrived home, I'd used my monster makeup to make me look like an undead fiend with fake blood and everything; I also made a faux bite mark on my neck that vaguely resembled a hicky and changed into ripped up clothing. All in all, I looked like an extra in one of Romero's cinematic masterpieces.

I did my best impression of a zombie walk, stumbling all the way to the deserted Seven-Eleven that was a mere four mile jog from my house, and shoved open the door with some zombie-like grunts.

Sayaka had promptly jumped from behind one of the shelves and tried to smash my skull in with a wooden sword. "What the hell?" I yelped, barely ducking in time.

And that's how it happened.

"It's true; this isn't some festival." Carlos remarked; Alex, a mousy girl who'd spent the entire time fidgeting with her hair, nodded in agreement. "But that's exactly what you would say if it were a festival." I accused. "You're an utter dunce! How have you even survived this long?" Sayaka was obviously becoming increasingly frustrated with me. "Because it's the 'zombie apocalypse'." I replied triumphantly. Sayaka mumbled something under her breath that sounded sort of like "I should've killed her when I had the chance" before retreating to the office at the back of the convenience store.

I looked at Carlos for a long minute. "Sweetie, could you please tell me what plastic surgeon botched your nose job that bad?" I inquired, pointing at his red, plastic, clown-ish, ball-like nose.

Carlos gaped at me; then, turning to Alex, he said, "Is that just a bad joke? I mean, she obviously knows this is fake, right?"

I patted his hand reassuringly. "I think everyone knows it's fake." Carlos and Alex stared at me with matching expressions of shock. "She's just joking, right, Alex? She obviously knows that I bought this at a party store for fifty cents and that it comes off, right?" he looked really worried. "No one can be that dumb, right?" Alex gave him a wide-eyed look and shrugged. Carlos turned back to me. "You're joking, right?"

"Malpractice is not a joke." I returned, flashing him a pitying look. "I know a good lawyer if you want to sue." Carlos and Alex exchanged a look before, in unison, saying, "She's a total idiot!" I faintly detected Sayaka snickering in the office. "You guys are so mean!" With a pouty face, I stormed to the candy section of the store and ripped open a Snickers bar.

The automated doors slid open, the bells haphazardly hung on a handle jangling loudly. "Oh, crap." And then, chaos ensued.

"Okay, so maybe you're right." I assented while surveying the zombie corpses strewn on the floor of the store. "There's no maybe; I'm right." Sayaka replied. "Yeah, yeah." I waved off the comment and nudged one of the dead bodies with my shoe. _Ew. It's squishy._ "Do I really have to tell you to not touch the dead bodies?" Sayaka sighed loudly. "Thanks, _Mom_." I rolled my eyes, settling for poking the corpse in the eye with an extra-long stick of beef jerky I'd found.

"She's so stupid." My three soon to be compatriots grimaced in unison. "How am I so stu-? Oh." I finally realized one of the "dead" zombies was standing right behind me. "Crap." Then I started to scream.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry about the last chapter! It wasn't as funny, but I tried to move the plot along...**

"Must...stop...or...will...die!" Carlos was bent over, struggling to catch his breath. "If we don't stop you'll die, if we do stop you'll die. You guys are giving me emotional whiplash!" I chastised.

"Kid, could you at least _attempt_ to walk? Or, at least, be less stupid?" Sayaka grumbled. It was true that I hadn't been walking: I'd forced Carlos to carry me piggyback for the whole half hour we'd spent in the forest. "Well, maybe if _somebody_ hadn't almost let a zombie _kill me_, I might be in the condition to _attempt_ to _walk_."I snapped.

Here's what happened.

"Crap." I said. Then I started screaming as the ugly undead guy lunged at me, opening his mouth wide enough to eat my entire face off.

Carlos, who was trying to _attempt_ to not be _dead weight_, threw something really bulky and heavy (a cash register) at the zombie.

That kid apparently has awful aim because the thing hit me in the back, which thus caused me to stumble towards the zombie. The zombie then grabbed my arm, jerked his head back, and was about to bite me when Sayaka killed it with her wooden sword thingie.

So, that's what happened.

"I...already...apologized...at least...twenty...times..." Carlos gasped out. "Giddy up, horsie!" I demanded, kicking him in the side.

"Could you at least stop kicking him with those spurs on your shoes?" Sayaka sighed.

"How else am I supposed to tell him to go faster?" _Duh, Sayaka._

"Have you tried_ talking_?"

"Horses don't understand English, Sayaka! Everyone knows horses only speak Horse Latin!"_ And she says _I'm_ dumb!_

"There is no Horse Latin, idiot!"

"Yes, there is! If there's Pig Latin, there has to be Horse Latin!"_ How stupid can she be? _I rolled my eyes like a smart person.

"Pig Latin is just talking backwards, stupid!"

"The Horse Latin is probably talking sideways! I dunno, though, because I'm not a horse expert!" I smiled triumphantly.

"That doesn't even make any-you know what? I am _not_ going to get in a conversation like this with you. It's complete nonsense! And, again, Carlos is not a freaking horse!" She was gesturing about like a crazy person. "And, why the hell do you have spurs on your sneakers? That's weird and really stupid!"

"It's not stupid! You need spurs to ride horses! And he is my horse, so I have to use spurs!"

"Could...I...say...something?" Carlos murmured, having recovered slightly. "No!" Sayaka and I yelled in unison. We turned back towards each other. "Why do you even have spurs in the first place? That's my real question."

"Everyone keeps an extra pair of spurs in case they need to make a quick getaway on a horse!"

"Maybe in the old west, but we live, like, two miles from Boston! Where the hell are you going to find a random horse?"

"I dunno! It's all theoretical!"

"Guys..." Carlos started.

"No!"

"But, guys..."

"No, Carlos!"

"But, there's a bunch of zombies coming this way..."

"No-! Wait, what?"

Sayaka, Alex, and I whipped around to find a rapidly approaching crowd of the undead. "Carlos! Why didn't you say something?"I yelled, deciding to attempt to run. "I did! But you guys were too busy arguing!" he exclaimed. "Ugh!" I flipped my hair in annoyance.

And then, in the middle of the forest, we found two horses. "I expect an apology." I told Sayaka as I jumped on one with Alex. "We'll discuss this more later!" she growled, jumping on the other with Carlos.

"Hey, Alex." I said quietly as I steered the horse through the woods. "Do you think Carlos knows his crappy nose job makes him look like a clown?"

Alex gaped at me. "You are just too freaking dumb!"

"I am not dumb!" I shrieked as I forced the horse across a street.

"Look out!" Alex shouted.

Immediately, the horse bucked and sent me flying.

"Oh, crap." And then I blacked out.

**I tried to make her fight more with Sayaka this chapter, and it seems a bit more like fighting than funniness. Sorry!:(**

**Comment if you hate it!**

**Also, sorry if I'm writing chapters too fast!**

**BTW, I will be adding one more character next chapter. Her name is Axelle and she's another OC!**

**I'll stop talking now.**


	4. The First Author's Note:(

**I hate to actual have an author's note and not another chapter, but I've sort of run out of ideas for right now. You can comment or go to my The Zombie Apocalypse Or Not? Forum, but, in short, I need some ideas. Weird stuff that makes no sense is expected and hoped for. I'll paste the link to my Forum below.**

** myforums/HonestyIsMyPolicy/4645685/**


	5. Chapter 5: Zombified Perspective

**Sorry this chapter took so long to get posted; my boyfriend's been demanding more of my attention lately... Sigh -_-''**

**I know this chapter isn't really all that funny, but I thought it would be nice to have another narrator and then I thought what's her name would probably not be too fond of the idea... I love comments, so feel free to leave some if you hate it or love it^^**

"How the hell do you get us into these situations?" Sayaka bellowed. Alex sighed, already anticipating the other girl's completely nonsensical retort. "It _so_ isn't my fault that the random stranger carrying an axe and covered in blood that I found on the side of the road and invited to come with us was with the psycho patrol!" she replied. "Yes, it is, because nobody else in the entire FREAKIN' WORLD would have invited someone COVERED IN BLOOD AND CARRYING A FRIGGIN' AXE TO GO ANYWHERE WITH THEM! SHE EVEN TOLD YOU SHE KILLED HER _NON_-UNDEAD FAMILY; HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK THAT BRINGING HER ALONG WAS A GOOD IDEA?!"

"Guys, is this really helping-?" Carlos started.

"Shut up, Carlos!" Both of the girls screamed.

Carlos shut up.

Sayaka continued blaming the other girl- what was her name again?- while the other girl spouted utter nonsense. Carlos shuffled over to Alex and they shared a loaded look; how the hell had they gotten unlucky enough to be stuck with those two? Granted, Sayaka knew her way around her wooden sword thingie, but the other girl did absolutely _nothing_; in fact,-.

"Um, 'scuse me, Alex; this is not _your_ story, okay? I'd really appreciate it if you refrained from _attempting_ to sound less like _dead weight_ in a totally_ inaccurate_ narration that _nobody_ even _cares_ about."

"But, it might be interesting to give the readers a different perspective-?"

"No, Alex; it wouldn't. They're not reading this story to hear about you, okay? This is _my_ story, _my_ words, _my_ life. Go write your _own_ story; your opinions are _not welcome_ here. I mean, you're _barely_ even a _main_ character; _Carlos_ is mentioned more than you and he's our village idiot!"

"Hey! That's not-."

"Carlos, don't get defensive; everyone knows your comic relief. Now, as I was saying-."

"Guys, can we please get back to the FREAKIN' STORY? Nobody cares who the narrator is!"

"Sayaka, the narrator is the only person anyone cares about! They have to be able to eloquently describe the horrific events they witness!"

"Then that's definitely not you, Boobs for Brains."

"Ex-cuh-uuuuuuu-se you, Sayaka; at least I'm not as flat as Daffy Duck!"

"That comparison doesn't even make sense! You're a complete idiot!"

"Guys, shouldn't we get back to the story-."

"SHUT UP, CARLOS!"

"But you've taken up half the chapter with this argument; they don't even know who Axelle is!"

"Well, they can wait til the next chapter, now can't they, Carlos?"

"Well, yeah, but-."

"OMG, guys, I'm the FREAKIN' NARRATOR! Just DEAL WITH IT!"

Ah, good, now that that's over with, why don't explain what happened with-

"This conversation is SOOOOO not over, Dumbass!"

"You said a curse word; that's not allowed! Then the story's rating will have to go up!"

"How 'bout I just be the narrator-?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, CARLOS!"

"Why do _you_ get to be the narrator, Boobs for Brains? You're so dumb, the readers probably hate having to deal with the useless nonsense you spout-."

"Sayaka, shut up! You're just upset you don't know how to speak Horse Latin!"

"Oh my God; that's not even a real thing! You're such a-."

"GUYS, THIS IS GETTING DUMB! BOOBS FOR BRAINS WILL JUST BE THE NARRATOR, OKAY?"

"Fine!"

"Okay, I guess..."

"HELL TO THE YEAH! I totally forgive you for assaulting me with a cash register, Carlos!"

"Okay, can we get back to the story now? Please?"

"Oh, yeah, totally!"

"Good."

"Oh, crap, wait; we don't have anymore space in this chapter. I guess our readers will just have to wait."

"You're such an idiot."

And everything fades to** black**.


	6. Chapter 6: When You See a Psycho

**Sorry if this one isn't the best; I feel like the humor sort of falls flat this time...**

**Oh, and I know the rodent funeral thing is kind of dumb, but my friend suggested it**

**Comment if you hate or love it^^**

Okay, now that all the _idiots_ understand they should just keep being the _dead weight _that they are, I'll tell you the _important stuff_ that's happened since I couldn't do that _last chapter_ because _somebody_ _attempted_ to _matter_.

It all started after Carlos stole the car.

After the horse bucking incident, Alex had dragged my unconscious body through the woods until she caught up with Carlos and Sayaka. Sayaka then proceeded to yell at my unconscious body like a _crazy person_ until I woke up feeling quite refreshed. There was more fighting and I explained that my Horse Latin was a bit rusty, so I hadn't been able to converse with the horse, which caused him to buck me off because he assumed I was being impolite. "HORSE LATIN ISN'T FREAKIN' REAL, YOU COMPLETE IMBESILE!"

"Oh, Sayaka, such a clueless girl you are."

"HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO BE AS DUMB AS YOU? YOUR IQ MUST BE IN THE NEGATIVE NUMBERS!"

And so on, and so on.

We spent a night in the woods, which was soooo boring, and then we road the horses out of the woods to find a Hummer abandoned on the side of the road.

"Ooh, ooh; I wanna drive!" I squealed.

"Sorry, I don't think any of us wants to DIE because of YOUR UTTER STUPIDITY." Sayaka growled.

"You're such a big meanie head, Sayaka! That's why you're not a fan favorite!"

"Really, Boobs for Brains? I'M THE ONLY ONE MOVING THE STORY LINE ALONG WHILE YOU PRANCE AROUND IN YOUR IMAGINARY WORLD; THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YOU'RE JUST COMIC RELIEF!"

"Oh, really, well, Carlos isn't necessary then; I guess we CAN kill him off this chapter."

"GUYS, WILL YOU SHUT UP, WE NEED SOME REAL CONTENT IN THIS CHAPTER! AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT KILLING ME OFF! ALL OF YOU ARE SUCH IDIOTS!"

"Wow. Wow, Carlos. Way to be a jerk."

"Yeah, that was really mean of you, Carlos."

"I agree with Boobs for Brains for once; you're being a total a**."

Carlos slapped his hand against his forehead. "Just forget it."

So, now that Carlos is done being a _total jerk face_, we can get back to the story.

Sayaka was elected to drive by a totally _rigged_ vote and we drove down the road, running zombies and chipmunks over as we went.

"WHY? SAYAKA, WHY? I'VE WITNESSED TOO MANY CHIPMUNK DEATHS TODAY; PLEASE, SPARE THEIR SHORT SQUIRRELLY LIVES!"

"Shut up, you idiot, we hit one chipmunk; stop being a drama queen."

"ONE MORE CHIPMUNK IN RODENT HELL BECAUSE OF YOU, SAYAKA! YOU'VE SENT A CHIPMUNK TO BE TORTURED BY THE RODENT DEVIL! YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE LIVES OF CHIPMUNKS!" I sobbed.

"SHUT UP, BOOBS FOR BRAINS! I'M TRYING TO DRIVE!"

"AND FAILING APPARENTLY, BECAUSE A CHIPMUNK LOST HIS LIFE TO DAY BECAUSE YOU'RE-."

Sayaka slammed on breaks. At first, I thought it was so she could turn around to give the chipmunk she'd _brutally murdered_ a proper rodent funeral, but it was just because some random girl covered in blood and carrying an axe was approaching the Hummer.

"Oh, hey, do you need a ride?" I called out the window.

"SHUT UP, YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!" Sayaka yelled.

"Yeah; thanks." the girl replied, hopping into the back with Carlos and Alex, who were gaping at me for some reason.

"What?" I asked them.

"You're such an idiot."

"You guys are sooo mean!" I pouted.

"Hi, I'm Axelle." the bloody girl told me with a crazy smile when Sayaka finally started driving.

"Oh, hi. I'm... well, um, you know..."

"Oh my god; do you not know you're name?" Sayaka shrieked before beginning to laugh hysterically.

"SHUT UP, SAYAKA; NO ONE LIKES YOU!"

"I didn't know it was possible for someone to be dumb enough to forget their name!" she howled with laughter.

"I murdered my entire family." Axelle chirped cheerfully.

The car jerked to a stop.

"They all got turned?" Alex asked.

"Oh, no. I just killed them." Axelle smiled widely. "It was quite fun."

"Oh, s*#%." Sayaka whispered.

And then something crashed into the Hummer.

So, now we're stuck in this pit thing in a mansion full of zombie psychos who abduct people to feed to their zombie pets.

"YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT!" Sayaka screeched.

Then everything went dark.


	7. Chapter 7: Zom-Be the Hero

**Okay, this time I tried to make Boobs for Brains- who's name I still haven't picked yet- the hero. And I tried to make her seem sort of psycho, too. Not as funny as the other chapters, but I hope you like it. And, I'll try to give more physical descriptions of the characters next chapter. Comment if you love or hate it^^**

"So, who wants to go first?" The crazy psycho inquired, grinning creepily.

"Ooh, ooh! Me, pick me!" I jumped up and down, waving my arms to get his attention.

"Boobs for Brains, your complete idiocy just renders me speechless." Axelle laughed slightly.

Ouch; way to wound my pride. I shook off the TOTALLY UNORIGINAL insult and continued bouncing up and down.

"BOOBS FOR BRAINS, HE MEANT WHO WANTS TO DIE FIRST, YOU IDIOT!"

"Oh. Huh. I thought he meant something fun. And, you know, less death-oriented. NOT." I rolled my eyes like a smart person.

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU VOLUNTEERING THEN?"

"I dunno. I just like being first." I smiled broadly at the crazy psycho.

"She's so stupid!"

I pouted. "WHY DOES EVERYBODY HATE ME? YOU'RE ALL BIG MEANIE HEADS!"

"IF YOU STOPPED BEING STUPID, WE'D STOP CALLING YOU STUPID!"

And the argument just kept going like that.

"SAYAKA, SHUT UP! NOBODY EVEN LIKES YOU; THE STORY WOULD BE MUCH BETTER WITHOUT YOU IN IT! YOU'RE NOT A MAIN PART OF THE STORYLINE!" I kicked my feet like I always do when I'm angry.

_Clunk._ "Oh, oopsie." My shoe hit the crazy psycho straight in the face. "Might as well lose the other one." I kicked my other shoe off.

_Bonk! _The girl beside Axelle slumped to the floor.

"I probably don't need this bag either; it only went with those shoes." I tossed my Gucci bag in the air.

_SMACK! _The bag sent two guys flying through the air.

"Oh. Yeah; I left my megaphone in there, didn't I? Huh. Oops." Axelle gaped at me.

"How does someone so stupid do all of this?!" she gestured around at her unconscious companions.

"I'M NOT STUPID, YOU FRIGGIN' IDIOTS! STOP INSULTING MY IQ OR WHATEVER; I'M A CERTIFIED GENIUS! SO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE ABOUT IT!" I screamed.

The room was silent.

"Wow, Boobs for Brains. Remind me not to get on your bad side." Sayaka looked shocked.

"Can we please go now? I'm SOOOO BORED!"

"Good idea." Sayaka nodded before turning to Axelle. "Does Boobs for Brains need to beat you up too?"

And, now, Axelle is part of our posse.

"THAT IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED-."

"SAYAKA, SAY ONE MORE WORD AND I WILL _ASSAULT YOU WITH MY PURSE_!"

"Never mind."

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT."

So, as always, I saved _everybody_ from _certain doom_ because I'm _such a good person_.

"Faster, horsie, faster!" I tugged on Carlos' hair.

"Really? Again? Why don't you WALK with YOUR OWN TWO FREAKIN' LEGS?"

"Because for some _reason _I don't have _shoes_, probably because I _saved_ all of you because I'm _such a good person_."

"But you've left out so much of what happened-."

"CARLOS, HORSES DON'T TALK IN ENGLISH; IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK IN HORSE LATIN, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!"

"How can someone so dumb actually knock people unconscious?"

"No idea; but she can be quite amusing."

"Thank you, Axelle; at least there's one of you I won't have to kill in their sleep."

"Haha; very funny."

Silence.

"You're joking, right?"

Silence.

"S#%*, Boobs for Brains, tell me you're joking."

"I'm not making any promises I can't keep."

Everyone stopped walking and looked at me.

"Jk, everyone! I'd never murder any of you in your sleep! I mean, unless you brutally murdered mass quantities of chipmunks..."

"Oh. S#%*."

"Don't worry, Sayaka. You're safe. For now." I practiced my ghoulish mad scientist laugh. "Bwa-hah-hah-hah!"

"She's so stupid!" they all sighed.

"OKAY; THE NEXT PERSON TO CALL ME STUPID WILL BE VICIOUSLY TORN APART BY A PACK OF RABID CHIPMUNKS! OR CASTRATED!"

Silence.

"Well, that's what you get."

And everyone was quiet for the rest of the night.


	8. Chapter 8: For the Love of Twinkies

**Sorry that I still haven't put in any physically descriptions; I just can't find a good way to do it yet... -_-'**

**But, anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter; comment if you love or hate it^^**

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed.

"What? What is it? Are there zombies?" Carlos looked around.

"N-n-no... it's j-just that y-y-y-your n-n-nose is g-gone."

Carlos reached up and touched his face. "Nah; it's still there."

"B-b-but... it's n-n-not red and round any m-m-more!" I pointed at his face in horror.

"You're so stupid." Sayaka sighed.

"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Everyone turned to Axelle, who was doubled over laughing. "Sh-she's s-s-s-so dumb! It's h-h-hilarious!" she gasped out around bouts of hysterical laughter.

My eye twitched. "What'd you just call me?"

So I spent the next two hours chasing Axelle around our makeshift camp, threatening to chop her into bits with her own axe.

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!" Axelle shouted, darting behind a tree.

"WHAT PART OF I'LL KILL THE NEXT PERSON THAT INSULTS MY INTELLIGENCE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?" I screamed.

"SAYAKA INSULTED YOU, TOO!"

"SAYAKA ALWAYS DOES THAT! YOU'RE A NEW CHARACTER; PEOPLE DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU YET! WE COULD KILL YOU OFF _RIGHT NOW_ AND _NO ONE WOULD CARE_!" I bellowed.

"Boobs for Brains!" Sayaka shouted. I stopped running. "A Twinkie for that axe?"

"Mmm; empty-carb goodness!" I mumbled around a mouthful of Twinkie.

"Wow. All it takes to get her out of a murderous rampage is a snack cake?" Carlos looked shocked.

I glared at him. "Is that supposed to be an insult? Because I said no more insults." I picked up the axe and slowly started walking towards him.

"Does comic relief need to be reminded of his place?" My eye twitched some more.

"Twinkie!" Alex shouted before shoving another delicious, fatty snack cake into my mouth.

"Mmm; this is ah-mazing!" I licked my fingers to get off any crumbs.

"Um, Boobs for Brains... you might want to move..."

And, there, standing right in front of my Twinkies, was a zombie.

"B#$%* best back off from my Twinkies!" I shrieked.

Ten minutes later, I collapsed beside my Twinkies, exhausted from killing a horde of the undead.

"Holy s#$%." Sayaka whispered.

"Touch my Twinkies and you _DIE._ Just a heads up!" I giggled and continued devouring the tiny pieces of fatty food heaven.

And then everything went dark.


	9. Chapter 9: Zombie Mall

**Sorry if this is less funny... I was trying to move the plot along...**

**Comment if you love or hate it^^**

"Where are we going?" I asked, finally awake after my Twinkie-induced sugar coma.

"Somewhere that's less out in the open." Sayaka grumbled.

"Well, I'm just sort of wondering, cuz for the past couple chapters we've sort of just been walking around aimlessly..."

"I'm SORRY that I haven't HAD THE TIME to MAKE PLANS WHILE WE WERE BEING KIDNAPPED BY PSYCHOS OR HAVING TO CHASE YOU AROUND BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL PEOPLE!"

"I said no more insults; it's not my fault I was trying to give the _dead weight_ some kind of _purpose_ besides being _comic relief_."

Carlos sighed. "Whatever."

We kept walking in silence.

"We should go to the mall!" I shrieked, practically making Carlos fall over because I shouted that in his ear.

"Why THE HELL would we go to the FREAKIN' MALL?"

"Cuz that's a good place to hide! Plus it's just across the street!" I pointed to the tan block buildings across the road from us.

"Holy... How did I not notice that?" Sayaka rubbed her temples like an old person.

"We're going to the mall; we're going to the mall! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee're going to the mall!" I cheered.

"Idiot." Sayaka muttered.

"Let's go!" I skipped across the street, dragging Axelle and Alex behind me. "Maybe I can even give you lifeless losers a makeover so you don't look so depressing!"

"Sayaka! Help me!" Alex squeaked.

"Don't fight it! Or I'll KILL YOU! Okay?" I smiled charmingly.

"She gets scarier by the chapter..." Axelle whispered.

"To the mall! We're going to the mall!" I jumped up and down happily.

As expected, the mall was completely surrounded by throngs of the undead.

"How are we going to get through?" Alex squawked.

"Oh, that's the easy part." Sayaka said. "Boobs for Brains, who wants the Twinkie? Do you want the Twinkie? Go get it!" She chucked the Twinkie all the way to the entrance.

"Twinkie... must have Twinkie!" I shrieked. Axelle passed me the axe and I followed the Twinkie into the crowd.

"Twinkie! Twinkie, Twinkie! TWINKIE!" I roared, chopping another zombie in half.

Twenty minutes later, we were at the entrance of the mall and I was devouring my Twinkie.

"She's like a dog playing fetch..." Axelle whispered.

I whipped around to look at Axelle. "Did you just call me a dog, crazy psycho b#$%*?" I cocked my head to the side, smiling a homicidal smile. "Because I'm MUCH scarier than a dog when I'm angry." I stroked the axe's blade.

"I'm sorry; it was a joke! Ha, ha, ha." Axelle laughed halfheartedly.

"Oh, good. Because, if it wasn't, I think you'd meet a very _unpleasant_ ending." I gave her a knowing look.

"Boobs for Brains, help us barricade the door!" Sayaka commanded.

"Okey dokey." I skipped over to help.

"She's terrifying." Axelle mumbled.

"I know... she used to just seem dumb." Alex whispered.

"I can hear you!" I chirped cheerfully, tossing the axe in the air and easily catching it. "And I really suggest you change the way the conversation is going!"

"Y-y-yeah! I m-mean, y-y-yes, m-ma'am." Axelle stammered.

"Good." I gave Axelle the axe. "Just remember: I'll be watching you."

"Boobs for Brains, stop intimidating Axelle and go search the first floor for zombies." Sayaka demanded as she pushed a futon against the glass doors.

"Wait, what's up with the zombies? They look slower." Carlos remarked.

"Oh, they're just acting more like Day of the Dead zombies; before they were sort of Resident Evil-ish." I replied. "Day of the Dead zombies aren't as fast or smart as Resident Evil zombies. I mean, they're still dangerous, but they can't exactly open doors."

Everyone looked at me.

"What? I told you I'm a zombie movie connoisseur." I shrugged and grabbed a baseball bat. "I'll be back soon."

I searched every store, killing any zombie I found. I giggled about how good I was at acting like a psycho. "Those idiots think I'd kill them! Ha, ha, ha!" I skipped back to the barricade thingie.

"All clear!" I chirped.

"Good, now let's-." Sayaka was cut off by a loud voice.

"Who THE HELL are you?" A guy yelled from the second floor.

That's why we're now all tied up in the security room of the mall, being yelled at by some old dude in a mall cop uniform.

"I NEED TO GO PEE! RIGHT NOW!"

The mall cop stared at me.

"IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO, I'M GONNA PEE ALL OVER THIS FLOOR!"

The guy smacked his palm against his forehead. "Take the girl to the bathroom."

Another guy in a mall cop uniform- though significantly younger- helped me get up.

"I can't PEE with a GUY watching!" I exclaimed.

"Fine! God! He'll stand outside!" the older mall cop yelled.

"YOU GUYS ARE SOOOOO CREEPY! A NORMAL PERSON WOULD LET ME GO PEE ALONE!" I stomped my feet.

"You could run away if we did that and that's not part of the plan." the old guy said.

"AS IF I'D LEAVE MY FRIENDS! WHO ELSE WOULD SUPPLY ME WITH TWINKIES?"

"Wow. Nice to know what we mean to you, Boobs for Brains. I'm tearing up over here from your sentiments." Sayaka said sarcastically.

Then everything went dark.


	10. Chapter 10: The Not-So-Great Zombie Esca

**Sorry for taking forever before writing another chapter... my boyfriend's been all needy lately, so I haven't had time to do anything besides spending hours convincing him I love him and that I'm not cheating on him -_-'' So, anyways, I hope you like it ^-^ Comments are welcome**

"Of course; everything goes to s#*% once Boobs for Brains has to use the bathroom." Sayaka grumbled, decapitating a zombie with her wooden sword. "How is it that the dumbest person among us always seems to save our asses?"

After Boobs for Brains had threatened to pee all over the floor and was finally given permission to go alone, the barricade at the front of the mall was broken through and swarms of the undead had begun chasing after them. Currently, they were surrounded and the mall cops had already been turned into corpse food.

"Hey, guys, did you know there was such a thing as fried Twinkies?" Boobs for Brains inquired, totally oblivious that her comrades were surrounded by zombies, while shoving a fried Twinkie into her mouth whole. "THESE ARE FREAKIN' AMAZING!" She declared, holding a fried heart attack just waiting to happen in the air. "Isn't this- oh, crap." She stared at the hordes of the undead in shock.

At that exact moment, the zombies trampled over a Twinkie Sayaka had accidently dropped. "OH, HELL NO! B#*%^ES BEST NOT BE RUINING MY TWINKIES!" She crushed the Twinkie she was holding, custard spilling out.

"Time to die, you psycho freaks! NOBODY TOUCHES MY FRIGGIN' TWINKIES!" Coincidentally, she was standing beside one of those axes encased in glass things with IN CASE OF FIRE written on it, so she punched through the glass, grabbed the axe, and started swinging.

Fifteen minutes later, all the zombies were dead. She held out her hand to Alex, "Twinkie, please." Alex tossed it to her. "By the way, why the hell is the story in third person now? I swear to God, every time I leave you people alone for FIVE FREAKING MINUTES, you totally ruin EVERYTHING!"

"Fine, go back to narrating then, Boobs for Brains."

I shoved the Twinkie in my mouth whole. "I'm back, b#*%^es."

And then everything went dark.

"Dammit, Carlos; you stepped on my foot."

"Oops, sorry."

"You should be! These are freaking _Gucci_!"

"Weren't you wearing sneakers five minutes ago though?"

"I may or may not have robbed a Gucci store while I was gone."

"Oh. Okay."

"Yeah. So get your big clown feet off my foot, Carlos, or I WILL CUT YOU!"

"Got it, got it."

"Will you two SHUT UP? You just RUINED the ENDING of the CHAPTER!"

"Fine, fine. It's over."

And then we left the mall in silence.


	11. A Regular Zombie Heart-to-Heart

**Sorry if this chapter or the last one aren't very good... my brain is fried from talking my boyfriend out of shaving his head to "prove his love for me"... I hope you can tolerate it or maybe even like it; comments are always welcome!:) And suggestions for how to convince a guy you aren't planning on leaving him for your best guy friend would be greatly appreciated as well**

"You know, we should probably come up with a plan instead of just walking around aimlessly for ten more chapters." I suggested, sharpening my new axe. "Well, we get FREAKING ATTACKED IN EVERY SINGLE FREAKING CHAPTER, so I haven't exactly HAD THE TIME to formulate A FREAKING PLAN!" Sayaka roared. "Hey, don't be so touchy; you guys fighting never solves anything." Carlos sighed, drawing weird crap on the ground with a stick. "Carlos, what part of 'talk again and I'll cut you' do you not understand?" I brandished my axe with an evil grin.

"As if you'd actually cut me. You can act like a psycho all you want, but you're basically just an over glorified idiot." Carlos shrugged. "W-why are you s-s-such a j-j-jerk, Carlos?" I sobbed, throwing my axe at a tree and narrowly missing chopping off Axelle's head. "Oh, come on-" I stalked off into the forest.

"Really, Carlos? Really?" Sayaka grumbled. "Go get her. We don't need to spend another half-chapter chasing Her Idiocy around through the forest. Why the hell is a freaking mall by a forest anyways?"

Carlos sighed loudly, grabbed the baseball bat, and trudged into the forest. "Boobs for Brains! Boobs for Brains, where are you? I have a Twinkie." He waved the snack cake in front of him, loudly crinkling the wrapper. "ROUNDHOUSE KICK!" I shrieked, slamming my foot into his chest. "Oh... my... God... why... did... you do... that?" He gasped, curling up into a ball.

"Because you're being a meanie face! It's not like you're the only one who doesn't want to be facing the zombie apocalypse! So, stop being such a depressing little twig of a dude and GET THE HELL OVER IT!" I swiped the Twinkie off the ground. "And stop holding Twinkies ransom to get me to save you people; believe it or not, I consider you guys friends now." I shoved the snack caked in my mouth, not bothering to chew before swallowing it whole.

"I can't... believe it... you... actually sound... like a normal... human being... for once." He rubbed his chest as he sat up. "What? Did you actually think I was _that_ stupid or weird? I'm just trying to not freak out or be all depressing like the rest of you! Being dumb and psycho is a really good way to stay sane." I nodded sagely.

"Yep... you're back... to being... a weirdo." He sighed. "Whatever; everyone deals with stuff in their own way. Sayaka has to protect other people, I have to act like a complete idiot, Axelle has to kill things, Alex has to be quiet... You just need to figure out how to deal or you're going to get all of us killed like the DEAD WEIGHT THAT YOU CURRENTLY ARE." I plopped down on the ground beside him. "And, just for the record, the only reason I'm talking to you is because every zombie apocalypse story needs some kind of heart-to-heart conversation."

"Well, in the spirit of the heart-to-heart conversation, why don't you tell me what your name is?"

"Oh, I'm Cassia." I replied.

"AND THE MYSTERY OF THE NAME IS SOLVED!" A fan girl watching us from a tree screamed. "OMG, OMG, OMG! THIS IS SO INSANE! I'VE BEEN WAITING TO FIND OUT YOUR NAME SINCE, LIKE, THE BEGINNING! OMG, OMG; ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO LIKE KISS OR SOMETHING? OMG!"

"Wait, we have fans?"

"Yes, Carlos, we have fans." I picked up a rock and threw it at the girl, making her fall out of the tree. "Shoo, get out of here!" I shooed her away with a broom. She whimpered like a puppy. "Get way, get way!"

"Wow. That was harsh."

"If I don't start dealing with them now, they're going to have an appearance in every chapter."

"So, are we going to kiss?"

"No, Carlos, we aren't."

"Why not?"

"Why would we?"

"I dunno. It seemed like the fan girl wanted that to happen, so I just assumed..."

"Fine, whatever." And then I kissed him smack on the lips.

"OMG, OMG, OMG! IT HAPPENED! OMG! YOU GUYS KISSED! OMFG!" The fan girl shrieked. I batted at her with the broom. "Get out of here!" She scuttled away. "God. How annoying. Ugh. See you back with the others." I sashayed out of the forest.

Sayaka glanced up as I returned. "Another fan girl?" I nodded. "Damn, they're getting so annoying." Sayaka shook her head in distaste. "I know, right? I heard they're even making t-shirts that say TEAM BOOBS FOR BRAINS."

"Ugh. How tacky."

And then everything went dark.

"DAMMIT, CARLOS, WHAT DID I TELL YOU LAST CHAPTER?"

"Oh, sorry."

"ROUNDHOUSE KICK!"

"Oh, God, no!"

_Thump._

And then we decided to come up with a plan.


End file.
